Playlist 1: The breakup that never was

You didn’t listen to the playlist I made you. You’re not going to see this fucking playlist either. If for some reason you are reading this, then “hi”.

I was spiraling fast. I was self destructing.
Give me love/ Give me dreams/ Give me a good self esteem
Give me everything/ All your heart can bring/ Something good and true/ I don’t wanna feel blue anymore

Feeling This
This song is one of my favorites especially after hearing the background. This was written by Tom DeLonge and Mark Hoppus – Tom wrote verses and Mark wrote the chorus in separate rooms, unaware of what the other was writing about. Tom wrote an intense story of passion and lust. Mark wrote a sentimental, heartfelt story of longing and reminiscence. It’s brilliant and beautiful and very much us.
Show me the bedroom floor/ Show me the bathroom mirror/ We’re taking this way too slow/ Take me away from here
Fate fell short this time/ Your smile fades in the summer/ Place your hand in mind/ I’ll leave when I wanna

Didn’t know what this would be/ But I knew I didn’t see/ What you thought you saw in me/ I jumped the gun/ So sure you’d split and run/ Ready for the worst/ Before the damage was done
The storm never came/ Or it never was

Everything Has Changed
You were stability in my chaotic life, in my chaotic mind. You didn’t fix me. I didn’t think that. I didn’t rely on you for my happiness. You’re mistaken. You were stability. And I was able to pick myself up. 
And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies/ The beautiful kind/ Making up for lost time, taking flight, making me feel like/ I just want to know you better, know you better now

Who’d Have Known
Are you mine? Are you mine? ‘Cause I stay here all the time
Who’d have known/ When you flash up on my phone/ I’d no longer feel alone

Do I Wanna Know?
No. I didn’t want to know. I was happy enough with the time we had.
Do I wanna know/ If this feeling flows both ways/ Sad to see you go/ Was sort of hoping that you’d stay

Starring Role
Here it was. The turning point.
You’re hard to hug, tough to talk to/ And I never fall asleep/ When you’re in my bed/ All you give me is a heartbeat/ I’ve turned into a statue/ And it makes me feel depressed/ ‘Cause the only time you open up is when we get undressed

Fuck this – are we dating? Are we fucking? Are we best friends? Are we something? In between that? I wish we never fucked, and I mean that.

Hermit the Frog
My heart just burst like a glass balloon/ I’d let it fly too high and it shattered too soon/ I was the wrong damn girl in the wrong damn room/ I broke my glass balloon

Blue (again)
Back when we decided to only see each other as friends.
Give me one more night/ One last goodbye/ Let’s do it one last time/ One last time
No I don’t love you/ No I don’t care/ I just wanna be held when I’m scared/ And all I want is one night with you/ Just cause I’m selfish/ I know it’s true

To a Poet
I’m not good at goodbyes. You tend to feel less lonely when there’s a song expressing your feelings. 
Now I miss you more than I can take/ And I will surely break/ And every morning that I wake/ God, it’s the same/ But there’s nothing more to it/ I just get through it
And so I ask where are you now/ Just when I needed you/ I won’t ask again/ Because I know there’s nothing we can do

Merry Happy
Yeah, you make me merry/ Make me very very happy/ But you obviously/ You didn’t want to stick around – so I learnt from you
Can’t take back those hours/ But I won’t regret cause you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be

When I finally got my answer.
You’re too proud to say that you’ve made a mistake/ You’re a coward til the end/ I don’t wanna admit, but we’re not gonna fit/ No, I’m not the type that you like/ Why don’t we just pretend?
I just want it to be perfect/ To believe it’s all been worth the fight

Not in Love
We were lovers/ Now we can’t be friends/ Fascination ends

Onto the next one.

Where I went wrong/ A girl on fire

Where I went wrong:

  1. I wasn’t open and honest because I was happy and didn’t want to risk losing anything. I knew there was a really good chance it would blow up in my face, but I opted to deal with the consequences later. I forgot that I don’t quietly implode. I’m a ticking time bomb and everyone around me is hit by the shrapnel. That’s really the main thing.

If Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)  was a person, I would say they are extremely clever and cunning. Really, everything just works out perfectly in their favor. (Note: I am not blaming my actions on BPD. They are still my actions. But my emotions and thought processes are due to some fucked up circuitry in my brain, and I still haven’t quite figured out how to handle them.)

I have real, valid, understandable worries and fears that are amplified beyond comprehension to others. Does anyone watch Community? There’s this one scene where Troy is brought into a secret initiation into Air Conditioning Repair school. The room includes ridiculous figures such as an astronaut cooking paninis in one corner and “black Hitler” in the other corner. This is to ensure the potential recruits don’t tell anyone about the school, and even if they did, it would be too ridiculous to believe anyway.

That’s what I feel happens to my emotions. At the seemingly smallest events, I react enormously, to the point where others think I am being childish or purposely difficult. And then the emotion dies and I’m 100% reasonable and calm. Absolutely ridiculous. Unbelievable. Very clever, BPD.

I have talked about stigma that we carry, including being ‘crazy’, ‘manipulative’, and abusive. I don’t intend to do so, but I do come across as being all those things. I hope you all don’t think that I think I’m a perfect shining example of recovery and strength. I certainly have moments of great improvement, but I’m far from perfect.

You say I’m self-centered, manipulative, controlling but I’m really not. Well, no, I suppose I technically am self-centered because I am so extremely preoccupied with my issues that I forget that people around me have problems too. Though, when we think of a self-centered person, we think of someone who doesn’t care about others and who thinks they are entitled to all your time and attention.

I hope you know in your heart that that is not me. I am not dramatically weeping and wondering why you aren’t paying attention to me like some diva. Rather, I am running around like a chicken with its head cut off because my kitchen spontaneously erupted in flames, but as I’m trying to put out the fire, my room erupts in flames, but then I realize I’ve actually been on fire the whole time.

This is why I believe it’s better to talk over the phone rather than texting: it is easy to detach yourself from the person on the other side of the screen, so their demeanor and intentions are all up for interpretation. I get the sense that you might think I’m sitting around pouting and rolling my eyes, when the reality is I’m in sheer panic mode. I am very worried about what you might say next.

It is not malicious and calculated. It is panicked and out-of-control. That doesn’t make it any more okay, I know that, but I think it’s good to understand the nature of the beast.

We can talk about mental illness and how tough it is for the people struggling, but that’s really not the whole picture. That really doesn’t fully capture the devastation that mental illness leaves in its path. I wrote a piece called Termites, in which I expressed my fear of spreading my “disease” around to my loved ones. Honestly, it is not a completely unfounded fear.

I am a girl on fire. I know that I burn everyone I come in contact with; some more severely than others. I cannot expect my loved ones to hurt just because I’m hurting. When the fire temporarily dies down, I’m left aching and raw, and as the smoke clears from my vision, I can see the damage I’ve caused. I’m sorry I burnt you, I really am. But please don’t forget that I was hurting too.

You might think I’m a manipulative, cruel, monster, but the reality is that I’m a good person who is struggling and in immense pain. The reality is I’m still hurting you, another genuinely good person, and pulling you down with me just because you cared enough to lend a helping hand. I get a sense of burning guilt and helplessness as I watch the situation unfold. I can’t ask you to stay with me or change in any way. In the end it is my struggle to deal with.

I am hurting and hurting others, but people still stick with me. This is a bittersweet realization. Thank you for burning a little bit with me. Thank you for telling me you need space. Thank you, and I’m also very sorry. This is advice I know you’d give me, so I’m going to give it back to you. Please don’t stress over me; first and foremost, take care of yourself.

We set the wrong course
and headed due North
That’s where we went wrong