Nervous

I know it’s getting bad because I’m hitting a writers’ block. I don’t even want to write.

I know it’s getting bad because I’m always on edge, and scared of people. I believe they will ostracize me. They will leave me.

If I’m alone by choice, then I can’t be rejected. They can’t leave me if I’m already alone.

But withdrawing and loneliness is like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. It’s not addressing the underlying problem. It is a quick fix that actually doesn’t fix anything at all.

Days go past and I can’t help but feeling like I’m wasting my life away.

Not quite miserable and sobbing, but also not happy either. I just am. In a numb sort of way, not a mindful sort of way.

I’m starting to accept that this is getting too hard.

Burnt out

The past few weeks have been uneventful. I’ve been trying my best to take care of myself, stay off social media, and meditate. I’ve been working out regularly, I’ve taken up knitting as a nice mindfulness practice, I’ve been sticking to playing with music. However, at the end of the day I feel like I’ve done nothing that I enjoy. I feel like I’m wasting my time. Even when I do work or studying, at the end of the day I feel unaccomplished and bogged down.

My mom says I’m burnt out and I need to take care of myself. I’m trying my best.