Disgust. Shame. Hatred. Anger. They pour into my skull with a violent, jarring crash.
It’s like leaving a loud concert and suddenly realizing everything has gone quieter, more muffled. It’s your ears adjusting to the repeated assault of loud noise.
I am suspended from my body, like the outline of my mind is a centimetre or two off from the outline of my figure. All perceptions are fuzzier. My vision blurs. I hear sounds as if they’re hundreds of miles away. I can’t feel my body.
I’m not sure whether I should throw up. Or scream. Or hurt myself. Maybe I’m better off like this. Maybe I should find better earmuffs.
I hate how you made me feel. I hate how you took my trust for granted and manipulated me, knowing I would always give you the benefit of the doubt. You lied and I would believe you because I thought that someone who said they loved me would never lie to me. I thought that someone who said they loved me wouldn’t push me past my comfort zone, or manipulate me, or violate me the way you did.
You know, for the longest time I blamed myself, as I believe many others in my situation do. I thought I should have put my foot down. I should have ended it right away. I should have said no louder, angrier, more forcefully. Those tears and that quiver in my voice shouldn’t have been there. I should have been stronger and then I wouldn’t be where I am today.
As I moved forward, away from you, I put my walls up and prepared for the worst. I was convinced that everyone I was with after you was just like you. I realize now that all these years and even today, I somehow still blame myself. I told myself that I’m a bad person, and anyone I’m with will eventually see that. When that happens, I know that their eyes will wander and they will find someone better. I am but a stepping stone that is only there to be used.
I am starting to see now that the problem was you. You were so insecure and afraid that you put me down so I was on your level. You sought validation from other girls and used their attention to inflate your own sense of self worth. You were selfish and greedy, so you always took more and more from me even when I told you I had had enough.
Now I am far away from you and I see how love should be, but somehow I am still haunted by the past. I am told to be mindful and grateful for what I have, and I try my best, but I think before I can heal, I have to process what happened. It’s been 7 years. It’s about time.
There is no longer passion or excitement in what I do. My spirit and my once inquisitive mind has been broken. Why am I here? Do I even want to do this anymore?
Has anyone else been working towards a goal that they believed in so much only to find that their work was obsolete? That the system they worked for was fundamentally corrupt?
I can’t study. I can’t work. It’s not even a matter of not wanting to work either. I just don’t want to do anything. I have a meeting in an hour and a half and to pass the time I feel like I should watch Netflix or play a game. But I can’t. I don’t want to do anything. All I feel like I can do is stare at the wall until I have to leave. Then go hope and sleep.
I can’t focus. I can’t concentrate on anything. I don’t care about anything. I feel like crying anytime I’m with too many people. The excitement is gone. I think it’s time to do something about this.