A year ago today I began writing here.
I was about to embark on the biggest adventure of my life.
I was about to meet so many new people,
Have so many laughs and
Shed so many tears.
I was about to break my own heart
Say goodbye to someone who meant
So much to me
And then meet the love of my life.
What a wonderfully, terribly, awesome year.
Words cannot express the emotion,
So much can change in a year.
To the girl I ruthlessly harmed,
Both physically and mentally –
Please find it in your heart
To forgive me.
To the girl I told wasn’t good enough
Over and over,
Please find it in your heart
To let go of the pain.
I was hurting
So I hurt you,
Hoping for relief.
I should have been there for you.
I shouldn’t have let you go through it alone.
I am sorry.
A true friend is someone who has your best interests in mind. A true friend is NOT someone who tells you what you want to hear all the time and sugarcoats everything. A true friend is NOT someone who tiptoes around you, always afraid of offending.
Susan was someone who believed everything should always be butterflies and rainbows. She hated conflict, and avoided confrontation at all costs. Dana considered Susan to be her best friend. Sometimes Susan would get on Dana’s nerves. She would avoid any confrontations and always changed the subject when Dana wished to speak about more serious topics. Whenever things didn’t go her way, she would avoid anyone and everyone who she felt was being unfair to her and wouldn’t talk to them at all. One day, Dana became fed up and spoke to Susan about this. Susan clammed up, and rejected Dana from her life. She claimed that she was “practicing self care” by rejecting a toxic friend like Dana from her life.
This is not an example of a friend being bullied by another. This is an example of someone trying to be a good friend, and having that sentiment taken the wrong way. Now, with Susan’s refusal to communicate, this could lead to the loss of the two’s friendship.
As long as you are not relentlessly putting down another person and you have the best intentions in mind, you have every right to voice your concerns if they are directly involving you or your relationship with the person. Do not feel like a bully or a bad person for honoring your own frustrations and issues with your friend. Be true to yourself. If you would want a friend to point out their concerns when they came up, then it is not wrong for you to do this to another friend.
Lack of good, constructive communication destroys relationships. Remember this.
One, two, three, four,
Steady mind, steady fingers –
Breathe in, breathe out.
Nothing but here
The mind wanders,
But is pulled back in
Like yarn escaping a needle.
Bring the attention back.
Stillness. Softness. Silence.
A rumble in the distance.
A footstep. And then nothing.
Tense. Terror. Trapped.
I’m all one way or another
I want apart or together
To the extreme either way
I used to get jealous easily.
I had been led to believe I could be easily replaced.
I came to realize, the flaw was not within me –
it was within him.
Every night at 2:15 am, I will wake up in a state of fear after a nightmare. Sometimes they’re the same, sometimes it’s a recurring one.
Tonight I had a dream that I was walking through a neighbourhood with my family, as a storm grew around the corner. We arrived at their house and realized it was more than a storm – it was a tornado. The tornado ripped open a wall and I saw a family member run down to the basement to safety. We, however, were trapped outside. We ran away from the tornado. It appeared to move away, but ended up in front of us again. We ran the other way and realized it was circling us. I curled up on the ground and closed my eyes, listening to the roaring winds around me. I thought, ‘I’m too young to die’, as I felt my soul being pulled up and being condensed into a signal atom. I thought I’d disappear, but I re-awoke into another dream (maybe another life).
According to dreammoods.com:
To dream that you are in a tornado means that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. Your plans will be filled with much complications and you will be met with a series of disappointments. If you dream that you come out of the tornado with no injuries, then it implies that the rough times are temporary and you will come out of it stronger and happier.
Unfortunately I did not come out of the tornado with no injuries. Not sure how much we can trust these interpretations but still very interesting. The emotions I felt during the nightmare and upon waking up were: fear, a feeling of being trapped, hopelessness.
I’m glad I have been blogging a lot. At this point I would like to go back and speak to my former self. I posted the title as a quote a year ago. Here’s what I would say to myself – first of all, never say never. Second of all, what about your family? Your friends? I was referring to romantic love here as if romantic love is the only love that matters. It isn’t. Be grateful for any and all types of love that come your way. According to the ancient Greeks, there were many, many types of love.
The love I was referring to in the title was Eros love, which is similar to how we view modern love from the media (TV shows, movies, etc). There’s so much more than this. There’s Philia love, which is friendship. Storge is a type of philia love that is towards family members. Then there’s Agape, which is a love you have for strangers – a love for mankind and nature.
I’ve read up to 8 different types of love. We get so caught up in Eros love that we forget about all the other types of love. They are all important, and they are all invaluable. Take a moment to remember and remind yourself of all the love there is in the world.
Sometimes I worry that when I recover, I won’t have anything to write about anymore. Lots of great art comes out of turmoil and darkness, but doesn’t a lot of great art come out of passion and love?
I guess what I’m really worried about is when I become numb or depressed, like I am now. There’s nothing to say about anything, it feels. But one great thing to do to help is practicing gratitude.
I am grateful for:
- My extremely supportive family
- My amazing boyfriend who loves me in a way I’ve always wanted to be loved
- My friends, who check in with me and make sure everything is okay
- The fact that I can digest lactose, and therefore can eat ice cream and cheese etc. without getting gassy
- My supportive work environment, especially my superstar supervisor
- My body, strength, and ability to move
- A network of professionals who are guiding me towards recovery
- My ability to play music
- The fact that I can feel so deeply. Love deeply, appreciate deeply, care deeply.
- Each and every one of my followers who take the time to read what I have to say 🙂 It means everything to me!