Sometimes I worry that when I recover, I won’t have anything to write about anymore. Lots of great art comes out of turmoil and darkness, but doesn’t a lot of great art come out of passion and love?
I guess what I’m really worried about is when I become numb or depressed, like I am now. There’s nothing to say about anything, it feels. But one great thing to do to help is practicing gratitude.
I am grateful for:
- My extremely supportive family
- My amazing boyfriend who loves me in a way I’ve always wanted to be loved
- My friends, who check in with me and make sure everything is okay
- The fact that I can digest lactose, and therefore can eat ice cream and cheese etc. without getting gassy
- My supportive work environment, especially my superstar supervisor
- My body, strength, and ability to move
- A network of professionals who are guiding me towards recovery
- My ability to play music
- The fact that I can feel so deeply. Love deeply, appreciate deeply, care deeply.
- Each and every one of my followers who take the time to read what I have to say 🙂 It means everything to me!
The past few weeks have been uneventful. I’ve been trying my best to take care of myself, stay off social media, and meditate. I’ve been working out regularly, I’ve taken up knitting as a nice mindfulness practice, I’ve been sticking to playing with music. However, at the end of the day I feel like I’ve done nothing that I enjoy. I feel like I’m wasting my time. Even when I do work or studying, at the end of the day I feel unaccomplished and bogged down.
My mom says I’m burnt out and I need to take care of myself. I’m trying my best.
The lotus flower is sacred to many cultures and religions including Buddhism, which is what dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is heavily influenced by. We see the use of the lotus flower becoming more popular – tattoos, yoga studios, jewelry etc. Why is it such a revered plant? It has to do a lot with the context that it grows in.
Lotus seeds plant in the bottom of shallow, warm, murky waters. The plant grows upwards towards the surface, seeing nothing but the muddy waters around it. Despite being surrounded by nothing but this dark, ‘impure’ environment, the lotus plant flowers above the surface of the water, in vibrantly beautiful colors. The petals rise above the water, and are hydrophobic – meaning water slides right off of them. They bloom in the morning towards the sun. They are resistant to cold, so they don’t bloom in winter. However, they always return when the weather is warmer.
We too can be like the lotus flower. We can grow to be beautiful and bright despite our pasts. We can interact with but still be separate from our emotions, letting them slide off our petals. We may wither in the cold, but we can be resilient enough to return in better weather.