I realize I haven’t written on here in over a year. Two years ago, something horrible happened to me. One year ago, I finally mustered up the courage to speak about my trauma. I decided, with the help of a mental health professional, to branch out and tell my friends and family why I had been so distant. Why I had changed and become this different person.
One person who I thought was a friend was incredibly insensitive and invalidating. They demanded to know whether I was drunk when it happened, whether I knew him, whether I really wanted it. As if it was my fault. They asked me if it was really “that bad”, why I didn’t come home, why I didn’t report. I was in tears, in shock, unable to speak as they berated me and further assaulted me with questions.
After that, my progress halted. I went back to the nightmares, sleeplessness, and shame. I repeated my “friend’s” demands in my head. Why didn’t I report it? Why didn’t I leave? What if it was my fault? What if I deserved it?
I became silenced. I stopped writing.
A year ago today I began writing here.
I was about to embark on the biggest adventure of my life.
I was about to meet so many new people,
Have so many laughs and
Shed so many tears.
I was about to break my own heart
Say goodbye to someone who meant
So much to me
And then meet the love of my life.
What a wonderfully, terribly, awesome year.
Words cannot express the emotion,
So much can change in a year.
To the girl I ruthlessly harmed,
Both physically and mentally –
Please find it in your heart
To forgive me.
To the girl I told wasn’t good enough
Over and over,
Please find it in your heart
To let go of the pain.
I was hurting
So I hurt you,
Hoping for relief.
I should have been there for you.
I shouldn’t have let you go through it alone.
I am sorry.
A true friend is someone who has your best interests in mind. A true friend is NOT someone who tells you what you want to hear all the time and sugarcoats everything. A true friend is NOT someone who tiptoes around you, always afraid of offending.
Susan was someone who believed everything should always be butterflies and rainbows. She hated conflict, and avoided confrontation at all costs. Dana considered Susan to be her best friend. Sometimes Susan would get on Dana’s nerves. She would avoid any confrontations and always changed the subject when Dana wished to speak about more serious topics. Whenever things didn’t go her way, she would avoid anyone and everyone who she felt was being unfair to her and wouldn’t talk to them at all. One day, Dana became fed up and spoke to Susan about this. Susan clammed up, and rejected Dana from her life. She claimed that she was “practicing self care” by rejecting a toxic friend like Dana from her life.
This is not an example of a friend being bullied by another. This is an example of someone trying to be a good friend, and having that sentiment taken the wrong way. Now, with Susan’s refusal to communicate, this could lead to the loss of the two’s friendship.
As long as you are not relentlessly putting down another person and you have the best intentions in mind, you have every right to voice your concerns if they are directly involving you or your relationship with the person. Do not feel like a bully or a bad person for honoring your own frustrations and issues with your friend. Be true to yourself. If you would want a friend to point out their concerns when they came up, then it is not wrong for you to do this to another friend.
Lack of good, constructive communication destroys relationships. Remember this.
One, two, three, four,
Steady mind, steady fingers –
Breathe in, breathe out.
Nothing but here
The mind wanders,
But is pulled back in
Like yarn escaping a needle.
Bring the attention back.
Stillness. Softness. Silence.
A rumble in the distance.
A footstep. And then nothing.
Tense. Terror. Trapped.
I’m all one way or another
I want apart or together
To the extreme either way
I’m glad I have been blogging a lot. At this point I would like to go back and speak to my former self. I posted the title as a quote a year ago. Here’s what I would say to myself – first of all, never say never. Second of all, what about your family? Your friends? I was referring to romantic love here as if romantic love is the only love that matters. It isn’t. Be grateful for any and all types of love that come your way. According to the ancient Greeks, there were many, many types of love.
The love I was referring to in the title was Eros love, which is similar to how we view modern love from the media (TV shows, movies, etc). There’s so much more than this. There’s Philia love, which is friendship. Storge is a type of philia love that is towards family members. Then there’s Agape, which is a love you have for strangers – a love for mankind and nature.
I’ve read up to 8 different types of love. We get so caught up in Eros love that we forget about all the other types of love. They are all important, and they are all invaluable. Take a moment to remember and remind yourself of all the love there is in the world.
To the girl who loved with all her heart and saw the world in brightest colors
Who would laugh the hardest at her own jokes
And would be moved to tears by a piece of music.
To the girl who welcomed all into her life with open arms
Who approached everything
And everyone with curiosity instead of judgement.
You will meet someone unfathomable to you
Someone who is fearful, insecure, and selfish
And you will love them.
In your mind, love does not harm
Trust can’t be broken
And you could never be abused.
You will be wrong.
After next week, I am done with instructing. On top of everything else that’s been happening, I feel like teaching is becoming overwhelming. It was once the one thing I looked forward to. I’ve been teaching and/or tutoring for almost a decade now and it’s a shame to see the passion shrink into nothing.
I dread going to each class. I hate interacting with the students. I want to leave as soon as I can. I feel like I’m not making a difference or helping at all, which makes me a worse instructor, which then consolidates the idea that I am not making a difference or helping at all.
I should have known this was coming. Last year towards the end of the last semester, I began burning out fast. I was having panic attacks in the lab and had to have some of my classes cancelled. I keep telling myself that there’s only ONE MORE WEEK, but the thought of that one week is daunting.
I tell myself I can make it, but there’s a growing voice in my head asking, “can you, though?”
I used to love teaching. It breaks my heart that I feel this way. I always prided myself as being someone who enjoys helping others learn and see how exciting learning can be. Now I feel like I’ve lost that. I’m not really sure what kind of person I am anymore. I don’t know if I can make this one last week.