Fond memories of love

For a friend.

What’s the difference between loving someone and holding onto fond memories of a past love?

How can you separate the two? Sure you can still love the person you have memories with, but what matters is your choice. You can choose who you will focus your love and energy on now. You choose you keep this person a memory.

Keep this memory tucked away, maybe visit it once in a while, but choose to keep living your life and moving on. Don’t dwell on the memories. That’s all they are. In the past.

Take it for what it was. You were together, and it didn’t work out. Love doesn’t always work, but that doesn’t mean it won’t exist elsewhere.

The thing about healthy love is…

It is boring. And I mean that in the best way possible. There’s no drama, no mind games, no abuse. Healthy, good love is supportive and calm. All of the intense, passionate love does not need to be “balanced” with intense hatred, fights, blaming, or fear. Healthy love is safe and predictable. Boring tends to carry a negative connotation but when it comes to love, it doesn’t have to.

Intense, tumultuous relationships are not sustainable. Dramatic relationships are unstable and unreliable.

In healthy love, I learned, you and your partner are each other’s cheerleaders. You support each other. There is no competition or comparison. There is no putting each other down. You are truly partners. Lovers. Best friends.

I am a good person

I’ve always been empathetic, I’ve seen the good in everyone, and have always refrained from judging others.

I just fell into the hands of the wrong people. People who took my kindness and forgiveness for granted. People who could manipulate me and lie to me without having me question it. People who took my innocence and tried to break my spirit.

Others tell me I’m a good person. Many people have also said many wonderful things about me.

Despite all this, I still remain unconvinced.

If I’m such a good person, why do I have to experience so much pain.

I have no idea who I really am.

I am good and I am bad.

I am proud of myself yet deeply ashamed.

I am happy but so often I get so sad.

I’m a walking paradox

Mental illness is not an excuse

Reminder that mentally ill people can be abusive. Reminder that you do not have to excuse their abusive behaviour just because they’re in pain.

If you are hurting and you blame others for your pain, you are being manipulative.

If someone actually abuses you, you can state the fact that they abused you and you are now feeling pain.

If someone criticizes or critiques you, and it hurts you, these are your own insecurities. This does not make them abusive. This does not make them toxic.

If you tell someone it’s their fault you had a breakdown, or want to hurt yourself, or want to kill yourself, you ARE being manipulative and unfair. Even if they hurt you.

Fighting fire with fire doesn’t work.

Worthy

Know your worth.
Know that you, just as everyone else, is worthy of love.
Don’t let yourself stay with someone who wants to be with another
When all you want is to be wanted by someone who only wants you.
When she leaves, and you remain as his remaining crutch,
The only shoulder to cry on
You will always be wondering
What if she stayed?

Go ahead and cover the walls of your glass room with pictures of a fantasy.
Paint the insides of your eyelids with what you want to see
And tell yourself that you’re fine. That this is what you wanted.
Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you’re in control
And then force yourself to feel what you think you should feel.
Live in your false comfort.

Dream, imagine, and hope all you want
But know it does not have to be this way. 

Not as long as you believe you are worthy. 

Drama queen 

Addressed to my friends and family.

I feel worthless, hopeless, and small. I don’t want to tell you because you’re logical and you’ll ask why. Then when I tell you, I know you won’t understand. Or you’ll think, oh here we go again, when will she learn?¬†

I am too self aware for my own good – I know that logically the “reasons” I am upset make no sense. I know that. But here I am feeling empty and withdrawn, and I already feel like that. I need help with that feeling. I want to rant about the root of my problem and I want you to patiently tell me the logical way to think about it. Because I simply do not have the ability to think about it logically in this state.

I want you to validate me – tell me that it must be hard for me going through this even if you don’t understand why. That’s all I want. Even if you cannot fathom why anyone would ever be upset over what I am sad about, tell me you understand that it must be hard for me.

I am telling you that I am not sitting here crying for attention and drama. I am not being a drama queen. I don’t want to tell you about my problems and have you jump up and tell me you’ll fix it all, or you’ll beat up who hurt me, or you’ll find justice for me. I don’t want to be dependent on alcohol or cutting or sex or drugs. I want a friendly face, a coffee, dinner, ice cream, a hug. I want you to listen and help me dissolve the pain.

Thanks for reading.