I read somewhere that most psychiatrists don’t like using the term “self hatred” and prefer to descrive a person as having low self esteem. I agree that I have low self esteem, but when things are particularly bad, self hatred is much harsher sounding, which I think fits.
My self hatred chips away at different aspects of my life. Usually my relationship is first to get hit, since that is a weak point for me to begin with. I’m afraid I will be abandoned. If I hate myself so deeply, how can I ever expect anyone else to love me? And so, usually without me even realizing it, I push and push until they get frustrated with me. This is often achieved by angry outbursts, oversensitivity, accusations based on nothing but my irrational fears, and splitting.
Right now the self hatred is so bad, I hate myself for even writing this. I’m stigmatizing my own situation, even though I would never think to do that to someone else. I can’t bear to write any more.
You never liked change. You hated the idea of leaving the safe confines of high school and starting a new chapter in university. You hated change so much that you drifted away from me, your supposed “best friend” after I broke up with an abusive, manipulative asshole. He remained in the friend group and I tried to distance myself, for reasons that I thought were obvious.
I wasn’t ready to tell you or anyone about the manipulation, the lying, and the hurt. Even so, I expected you to be there for me. Because we were “best friends”. It was easier for you to stay safe in your nice little comfort zone than to be there for me. I’m not blaming you, but I am angry and hurt at how everything panned out. I am also thankful that I found out who my real friends were.
You and our other “best friend”, we were a solid trio, or so I thought. But you both pulled back. I thought I knew who would be there for me and I was wrong. Friendships are tough like that, because when they end it can be harder than ending a relationship. After breaking up with my boyfriend, I thought I could turn to my friends. After breaking up with friends, who do you turn to? The end of our friendship, where you two went off and I was left alone, still hurts me today whereas the pain of ending my relationship no longer does.