I used to get jealous easily.
I had been led to believe I could be easily replaced.
I came to realize, the flaw was not within me –
it was within him.
It is boring. And I mean that in the best way possible. There’s no drama, no mind games, no abuse. Healthy, good love is supportive and calm. All of the intense, passionate love does not need to be “balanced” with intense hatred, fights, blaming, or fear. Healthy love is safe and predictable. Boring tends to carry a negative connotation but when it comes to love, it doesn’t have to.
Intense, tumultuous relationships are not sustainable. Dramatic relationships are unstable and unreliable.
In healthy love, I learned, you and your partner are each other’s cheerleaders. You support each other. There is no competition or comparison. There is no putting each other down. You are truly partners. Lovers. Best friends.
Reminder that mentally ill people can be abusive. Reminder that you do not have to excuse their abusive behaviour just because they’re in pain.
If you are hurting and you blame others for your pain, you are being manipulative.
If someone actually abuses you, you can state the fact that they abused you and you are now feeling pain.
If someone criticizes or critiques you, and it hurts you, these are your own insecurities. This does not make them abusive. This does not make them toxic.
If you tell someone it’s their fault you had a breakdown, or want to hurt yourself, or want to kill yourself, you ARE being manipulative and unfair. Even if they hurt you.
Fighting fire with fire doesn’t work.
I hate how you made me feel. I hate how you took my trust for granted and manipulated me, knowing I would always give you the benefit of the doubt. You lied and I would believe you because I thought that someone who said they loved me would never lie to me. I thought that someone who said they loved me wouldn’t push me past my comfort zone, or manipulate me, or violate me the way you did.
You know, for the longest time I blamed myself, as I believe many others in my situation do. I thought I should have put my foot down. I should have ended it right away. I should have said no louder, angrier, more forcefully. Those tears and that quiver in my voice shouldn’t have been there. I should have been stronger and then I wouldn’t be where I am today.
As I moved forward, away from you, I put my walls up and prepared for the worst. I was convinced that everyone I was with after you was just like you. I realize now that all these years and even today, I somehow still blame myself. I told myself that I’m a bad person, and anyone I’m with will eventually see that. When that happens, I know that their eyes will wander and they will find someone better. I am but a stepping stone that is only there to be used.
I am starting to see now that the problem was you. You were so insecure and afraid that you put me down so I was on your level. You sought validation from other girls and used their attention to inflate your own sense of self worth. You were selfish and greedy, so you always took more and more from me even when I told you I had had enough.
Now I am far away from you and I see how love should be, but somehow I am still haunted by the past. I am told to be mindful and grateful for what I have, and I try my best, but I think before I can heal, I have to process what happened. It’s been 7 years. It’s about time.
TW: this post talks about/alludes to emotional abuse, suicide and sexual assault
- Target a vulnerable girl. Someone shy, already slightly insecure, depressed. Get her to open up to you. Shower her with attention and flattery. Write songs for her. Serenade her. Show her grand gestures of love. Make her feel beautiful and worth loving.
- As soon as you’ve caught her, there’s no need to try. Lie to her. Start reconnecting with your ex girlfriends and flirting with other girls. Tell her she’s possessive and clingy if she expresses discomfort. Hide your activity and sneak around behind her back. To really make it sting, be just a little careless – enough for her to find some information to be suspicious, but not enough for her to be certain.
- When she asks you about any of these things, deny. Even if you weren’t doing anything wrong, just lie for no reason at all. Lie to make her question everything you say. If she sees text messages between you and another girl, delete them and show her your phone again. Make her question her own sanity.
- Make sure she knows about how attractive you find other girls. Sometimes people you know, sometimes random models or actresses. Talk about how hot these girls are. Make lewd comments and lust over them openly in front of her. Click the like button on every photo you do this to. This will condition her to remember your reaction everytime she sees a guy like a picture of an attractive girl. The beauty of this is that you can then tell her she’s being jealous and clingy. And every future guy will say the same because they won’t know what you did to make her so insecure.
- Tell her how hot she would be if she only looked like those girls. Maybe if she had bigger breasts. If she worked out and got a little more muscular. If she just gained a little weight. Say it in a lighthearted tone, as if they are friendly suggestions and you’re just trying to help. Then there will always be a part of her wondering if she is being compared to others.
- Pressure her to sexually gratify you. Make her feel bad if she doesn’t. Make it seem like what you’re asking for is normal. Guilt her. How dare she kiss you and not want to do anything else? She has to finish what she started. No, not later – now. If all else fails, remember you’re a lot stronger than her – just hold her down, ignore that annoying crying and do what you need to do.
- If she breaks up with you, make her pay for it. You know she is scared to open up about her depression because she fears she will “infect” the people she loves. So all of a sudden, call her up one night and scream and yell and call her every name you can think of. She’s fucked up and she ruins everyone around her. Tell her she should be ashamed because now you’re depressed and suicidal and it’s all her fault. Tell her you’re going to self harm and kill yourself and it will be all her fault. You know she cares too much and she’s too nice to hang up the phone, so she stays up all night making sure you’re okay while you tell her how awful she is under a guise of hurt and self victimization.
- After she finally cuts you out, isolate her from all her friends. She has opened up about all her fears and flaws. Use these against her. Make yourself look like the victim. Make sure she has nobody. Make sure rumors about her keep spreading.
- Eventually, she’ll find new friends. She’ll move on and meet someone new. No worries, there’s other ways you can try to control her. Send her anonymous messages over text, Facebook, and on her blog. Taunt her and harass her by threatening to talk to her father, sister, or current boyfriend. She’ll block you, but be persistent. There are so many anonymous apps and platforms available for all your harassment needs.
- Make a fake Facebook and email under her name and try to turn people against her. She will be terrified. She will suspect it’s you, but since you’ve turned so many people against her she doesn’t know for sure anymore.
- Over the next few years, keep messaging her anonymously. A nice monthly tradition. Say encouraging things to her. Typical stuff like, “Happy New Year! Hope this is the year you finally kill yourself!” Give her comments out of the blue about her outfit or what she’s doing at that moment. This will make her feel on edge. She will constantly be looking over her shoulder or peeking out of windows, unsure of who’s watching her. She will be paranoid and afraid.
- Eventually you will give up the game, but don’t worry. The damage has been done. Even years later, she will still have these reactions ingrained in her. When she’s in a healthy, happy, consensual relationship she will sporadically remember how it felt when you forced yourself on her, feel a huge wave of dread and break down. She will always be actively fighting the nagging voice in her head saying, if only you looked more like her. If only you were prettier, fitter, curvier… She will always be suspicious of people’s motives, she will be unable to fully trust any guy. She will self destruct and sabotage relationships with people who truly care for her.
Congratulations! After wasting years bitterly holding a grudge, stalking, harrassing, and intimidating her, you’ve done it. Was it worth it?