Depersonalization

An invisible hand reached through my neck, cutting my breath short, pulling my consciousness away until it was completely detached from my body.

I could move, but only very slowly.

I could see, but everything was choppy, as if I was looking at a broken screen.

I could hear, but it was like I was underwater. Voices seemed far away and echoed even though they came from right in front of me.

I instructed myself to smile, to move my head every once in a while so no one would know anything was wrong. I robotically carried out these actions when I could.

I sat beside myself and saw the dead, faraway look in my eyes. The blank face. My body swayed unsteadily. I felt nauseas, as if my body was a rocking boat and I was dangling off the edge.

I somehow found my way home and fell into a long and uneasy sleep.

2 thoughts on “Depersonalization

  1. Depersonalization is indeed a mental disease as ungraspable to those who live with it as it is to those who never experienced beforehand. To exist in this false dichotomy of reality and the weary fog of strangeness is only understandable through experience. I have not had it myself, but a person I have deeply loved fought with it for years (and I assume she still carries her heart into battle more than I would like) and listening to her words, seeing her face while explaining how it was, how the perception of sensibility and even the “self’ changed so dramatically, made me an impression that will last a lifetime. I cannot but feel proud of every person that fights that battle every day and still smile, not only falsely but from the heart.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I feel like depersonalisation is one of the most debilitating mental health conditions out there. I have currently suffered from it for 14 months, 24/7 and it is what I’d describe as hell on earth. There is no way anybody could truly understand how awful it is, or just how it really feels. I think this post conveyed your feelings of this disorder really well. I would appreciate it if anyone suffering from dissociative disorders/anxiety/depression has time to have a look at my blog, as I’m hoping to help as many people as possible by writing about my own experiences – https://dpdisorder.wordpress.com/

    Liked by 1 person

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